It's funny as when I chose the quote from Julius Caesar for the front page of this blog, I didn't have in mind the proximity to the Ides of March - 15th March, when Caesar was assassinated by the conspirators, including his friend, Marcus Brutus.
It's strange too that for years I have recalled this as a quote from Cassius, he who had a 'lean and hungry look', and I was surprised to see that Brutus was given these words. I'd thought the wily Cassius was persuading noble Brutus, but instead Brutus was caught up by the tide of feeling.
The conspirators were afraid that Caesar's rule signified the end of the Republic - though no doubt most had personal and less honorable motives.
My reasons are as personal and dishonorable as any murderous Roman's.
Fear.
I think that I am triggered by memories of the last time I was out of work for a prolonged period. As a result of being kicked in the mouth by a horse, I was in hospital for some time and unable to work for much longer as I had no teeth and my job demands perfect speech. Somewhat unfortunate. So there's that association in my mind, bringing back how I felt then.
And one of the worst aspects of the situation was that I had a tracheotomy and was put into a coma (as is happening with severe coronavirus cases). When I came to - a prolonged process that took about 36 hours - my brain could not compute what was happening. there was no breath passing through my nasal passages and throat and I was convinced that I couldn't breathe. This lasted at least 12 hours and I was terrified. I was sure I was dying.
Totally irrationally - as with the loo roll - my mind is being hi-jacked, but now by the fear of being unable to breathe.
I have been reaching out to people. Conversations have the benefit of making me feel less isolated, but also much of the news is frightening. The parents of a friend of a friend have been hospitalised in France (where they have received great care). The mother is getting better, the father remains in a critical state. Another friend is a journalist who was 'virus-chasing' in Singapore, Hong Kong and Japan. One of his colleagues, who's been in Italy, told him, 'This virus is NOT benign.' And yet he did try to assure me that I am in a low risk group. My anxiety bloomed and then somewhat faded during the conversation. Others mention making sure to 'have enough food' and I worry about not having a freezer. Some say, 'Better to get it now, while the NHS can still cope.'
So, is it better to speak to no-one and not to read the news? I mean, the news does not say, '98% of people affected will live to fight on, and the majority will have no ill effects afterwards.' It says, '2% could die! And some significant percentage could have lung damage afterwards.' Psychological research tells us that this disparity between equals hugely affects our emotional response.
And so. What to do? How to feel? What to think?
I am upping my volunteering on a podcast, writing this, attempting to study moral philosophy, exercising, stroking the cats and dog. Today, I cleared a massive accumulation of animal hairs from my vacuum cleaner and thus fixed it. An achievement. I made soup. I attended an online philosophy class.
I will meditate. Stress is not good for the immune system.
To be a good person, one must act as a good person and make those actions habitual. To be a calm and healthy person, one must act like a calm and healthy person, until those behaviours become habitual.
This is Day Three of many days, but there will be more days afterwards, many, many more days, and to be a good person, a calm and healthy person, after this is all over is a worthy aim. I have to remember that.
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